My first blog ever! Woo, I'm tired already.....

So I decided that starting a blog about my depression, nervous breakdown and various other female 30something issues would be wildly cathartic. Maybe even mildly funny, just to see my thoughts in writing, maybe to see if someone actually would read this besides my husband and my one friend who has a blog of her own (I guess that means I will have to start reading hers).

So today was a pretty good day. Went to the Doctor, upped my meds again (seriously, I'm taking the max now), had some friend and kid time and did the all important shopping at Wal-Mart.....you know every one's duty as a human to contribute to the Wal-Mart monster taking over the world.

I was able to stave off the majority of the depression in order not act like an ass to my friends and family but it is a daily struggle. I think sometimes the choice between medication numbness and the blackness of depression, digs an even deeper hole to crawl into....although I don't know how that is possible.

The only things in my life keeping me from slitting my throat or other part of my body, is my family. My husband, son and mother. Although they don't fully understand the gravity of my bleakness, they do support me. I keep waiting for the day that I return to "myself" but I am not sure who I am anymore.

So, I ask myself.....is it hormones, postpartum (ok, that one's a stretch since my son is almost 4-1/2), chemical imbalances, a mid-life crisis or am I just plain lazy....most likely the latter.....but I did read that most women start having depression in their early thirties. I think, most likely due to our dreams and goals being crushed in our 20's and reality setting in as to what life is really about. Diaper explosions in public places, husbands that forgot your birthday (oh, you wanted something honey, he asks?), family dogs pissing on your new carpet, credit card debt (this is your third and final notice before being sent to collections) and the ever so fun family outing to the local Sizzler (If you get the salad bar, there goes our extra cash for the month).

I think I will try this blog thing and see how it works out. If nothing else, at least I get a crap load of stuff off my chest and my wonderful husband doesn't have to hear me bitch about how sucky life is for the day.