Missed him by THAT much

So, I live in Utah...yah pretty lame unless you ski, like the outdoors and enjoy Mormonism. However, once a year they have a pretty cool little thing in Park City called the Sundance Film Festival. Now, ummm I have never been to the festival but I can proudly say I have been within 40 miles of it!! That took me to my random thought of the day...I heard Kristin Stewart and Dakota Fanning were there for the weekend to promote their film "The Runaways". Wow, I thought Kristin Stewart is actually in the same state as me...that means her vagina is just 35 minutes away.....her vagina that has lovingly and eagerly (I would assume) housed an awkward and anxious (totally still assuming) Rob Pattinson. That means my vagina was just a mere 35 minutes away from ROB PATTINSON'S Man Steak!!!!! Ok, it's a stretch, even in that whole 6 degrees crapola but come on...don't piss in my cheerios man!! Now I can brag, "Hey everyone, my girly parts were THIS close to the precious!" Well, I wouldn't exactly tell everyone...maybe just a select few on my trip to Forks, Washington in September with the Twitarded crew....Damn skippy I'm going!

BTW, I came up with this little picture by Googling the following: Bella, Vagina and Twilight. The internet rocks!!

10 things that are weird about you!

Ok, so I was smelling my laundry today before I put it the washer (yes, I am a complete ass-nutt), which got me thinking about the strange things people do. Now, I am not talking about sick stuff......like the perv old guy down the street that stares at kids or people that get off by humping various fruits and vegetables...I mean the little quirks that make you, well you...so, I decided to compile a list of the odd things I do. Please leave a comment and give me a list of the crack pot things you do, that way I can make myself feel a little bit less psychotic for the day.

Happy listing, you freak!

1. Smell everything before I use it, eat it, clean it, pet it, etc! (Yes, this includes my laundry, food, blankets, armpits, kids butt, dogs ears)
2. I cannot stand it when I see ear wax hanging out of my husband or son's ears...so I totally have to clean their ears constantly!!
3. Use a 3-step process to my teeth brushing (must floss, then use whitening mouthwash, then brush), I don't feel complete unless it's in this order!!
4. Always end up buying the same kind of clothing. I have like 20 pairs of jeans that look the same and inevitably I buy tops that my boobs are hanging out of. (I guess I feel like if I paid for them, I better get my money's worth!)
5. Change my underwear a couple of times a day...you know, because of that "not so fresh feeling!"
6. Back to the smell thing....once I smell poop or pee, I smell it everywhere for days!!
7. Automatically want to "fix" everyone...poke, prod, remove lint, straighten shirt, pick hair off their clothing, etc...
8. Get chatty in woman's bathrooms..I always get bored waiting in line for a stall, especially when I've been drinking!
9. Use the (.......) whenever I write. You know, the periods as a dot, dot, dot for dramatic flair......Apparently I pause a lot.......
10.Smell thing again...I will not eat anything that smells like "fish"....must be why I really, really can't be a lesbian!

Well, I hope you like my list.......Try and top that you smelly bitches!!!! And believe me I smelled ya!!

Where's my Eclipse, bitch????

Ok, so I remember last year about 6-8 months before New Moon came out, there were several pictures online from the movie. Also, if I remember correctly we saw a couple of trailers by now. Come on David Slade, where are my teasers??? I feel left out in the cold with nothing to peruse but old shit from New Moon. I mean really...This meadow scene is all we get???? (BTW, he looks like an Adonis as usual but she looks like she ready for the homeless shelter, what gives??) If I am going to contribute to the multi-million dollar franchise and see the movie 4 times, then I want some pictures and a trailer bitch!!!

PS....Quit screwing around with will they or won't they make Breaking Dawn and whether it will be split into two films. They made Avatar, Star Wars and the Matrix. I think they can divert the story enough to imply the birthing scene, figure out a way to make a freaky looking half-breed kid and make Jacob imprint on Renesmee without looking like a Pedophile. Just get the fuckin' deals done Summit...you're really starting to piss me off!!!!

The, I don't give a f*** award for the day

So I was casually reading my People magazine for the week when I came across a subject that I just really don't giving a flying fuck about. Granted, I understand what I am reading (a good ole' rag mag, as my mom and I call them) but for goodness sakes are you freakin' kidding me??? Case in point...an unauthorized biography has come out about Warren Beatty and the 13,000 women he supposedly banged throughout the years. Ummmm, yah first of all, who gives a crap about a 60 yr old actor that hasn't been seen in a significant movie for 20 years (Did you see Dick Tracy? What a pile of crap that was) and second of all, why the shit do I want to hear about his crusty peepee? Certainly not me...now when I'm in the golden years, maybe I would like to look back and say "Wow, I sure hobbed a lot of knobs in my time" but really?? 13,000??? That's just asking for VD, AIDS and a propensity to identify every woman in Hollywood (and maybe certain parts of Alabama) by vagina and nothing else....Therefore, Warren Beatty I would like to bestow upon you, the 'ID GAFA' Award!!!! Congrats you twat!

Murder...so I kinda understand it....

Well don't let my title scare you but I have definitely had one of THOSE weeks. You know the one's where you are so freakin' mad you could quite literary murder someone? or just maybe punch them in the nose or push them down the stairs??? I know that through feminism and women making strides and all that blah, blah, blah, bullshit, I shouldn't admit this but....PMS was clearly the reason for me being even more of an prehistoric bitch this week!!!

Not only did I know it was that time of the month but I knew it had to be PMS because I didn't have one particular person that I wanted to smack...it was EVERYONE!!! Everyone was pissing me off. From my son and his friend staying over for a week (yes, waaayyy tooo lonnnggg), to the husband leaving every freakin' dish out in creation to stepping on another fucking dog bone on the floor!!!

I have never strung so many expletives together in a 24 hour period in my life....surely I would have made Larry Flint, Donald Trump and Andrew Dice Clay blush. So, this is what I did.....slept for 3 days (I also had the flu to top it off!), ignored the kids (let daddy take care of it) and made the hubby bring me food. Now that I am mostly cohesive and my resident asshole self, I can get on the Twilight blogs again and therefore let the Robslobbery commence.

Ummm Duh!

So I saw on several sites today that the Eclipse script was leaked online and people are wondering what it contains....Ummm, Duh...read the book morons!!!!

It could be worse comment.....

So I was on Twitarded AGAIN and read the STY blog today about how Twilight could have been way worse...it started me thinking about my dorky hubster and all of the dorkalicious stuff he has done...I came up with this list and posted it on the comments section of Twitarded and thought it was worthy to post it here as well.

Enjoy my assholeness....

Yep, it certainly can be worse…..I can think of 10 things right off the top of my head performed by my lovely husband in his short 36 yr old life…..

1- Get drunk on a first date with a girl and call her an SOB.
2- Play with your dogs and one of them mistakes your manhood for a chew toy.
3- Fart in your cubicle 2 seconds before your boss walks by.
4- Pick up a piece of wood in front of your office and accidentally say “Hey, I got wood” as a female co-worker gives you a dirty look.
5- Take a drink from an empty coke can…you know the one that you forgot you were using as a chew spit can.
6- A tree falls on your car.
7- Go with your pregnant wife to her boss’ house as a mental patient with his butt hanging out, get drunk and throw up in the backyard.
8- Ride down the stairs in green briefs on a sled of your clothing.
9- Break up with a girl because she forgot her leftovers in your car.
10- Tell your grandma that the cashews she sent for X-Mas are gone. When she asks why, you blurt out “She ate my nuts!”

Here’s the funniest thing about this list…..My husband is a pretty shy and quiet person. Most of these things he is mortified about……but I truly think he was put on this earth not only to meet me and produce our awesome son but to give me tons of material and fodder to blog with. You rock hubby, not only cuz you're sexy, funny and an awesome dad but cuz you keep the dumbass stuff coming!!!!